My Monday Morning

Just in case anyone thinks having children is the most fulfilling outcome for any woman, let me address that. Whilst I clearly love and cherish my two babies, this is what happened on Monday morning.
Wake at 5am by screaming baby. Feed baby after realising there is no way I'd manage to settle him otherwise. Go back to bed at 5.45am.
Wake at 6.30 am by other screaming baby. Ignore for 10 minutes and then go in, cuddle, sing Twinkle Twinkle little star, put in cot. Ignore fresh crop of screams, head to bed, ear plugs and pillow over head.
Wake at 7.45am by screaming baby. Give up and get up with baby, appeased by sight of his mother with mascara drenched under-eye socket space and wild hair, ear plug half out.
Have breakfast (Strong coffee)
Decide that going for a walk to post newly sold ebay item would be a good idea. Try to get coat on older baby. Reduced to pinning down older child with elbows, whilst putting coat and hat on. Force child into push chair and attach to pushchair with 5 point harness.
Dress smaller baby and put in pushchair.
Whistle for dog. Dog shoots out the house and straight onto the main road. Find lead and pooh bag. Lock front door.
Go to bank first. Whilst explaining to clerk that my identity was stolen earlier this month I just want to check that my salary has gone into my new account. It hasn't. Baby wakes up and screams. Multi task by feeding baby bottle whilst discussing fraud with bank clerk. Baby coughs and vomits up entire bottle over snow suit, bank, me, the clerk.
Leave bank.
Go to post office. Three people comment on Hinba's limp.
"Och, your wee doggy has a sore leg hen"
"Yes, I know"
"Och deary me, has she had an accident?" (Irritating woman bends to pat Hinba's head)
"Yes"
(in my head, "AAAAGHHH leave me alone")
And so on until I manage to power walk past her.

Arrive at Post Office. Queue in impossibly narrow and depressing aisles filled with sad old cardboard boxes of matches, plastic forks and cheap womens' fragrance.
Realise (with 40 people huffing and puffing behind me) that I have left the address for ebay item in the hall.
With as much strength as I could muster, leave post office.
Collect Hinba who has attracted another three grannies stroking her malting back and worrying about her leg.

Go to M&S to get essential items (chocolate)
Buy chocolate. Unwrap chocolate and see it has gone off and is all white. Swap chocolate for new one (via shop assistant - I wasn't helping myself).

Walk home, two children awake and wanting food.
Feel tug on lead, look behind me and see Hinba squatting for one of her 'round the world' shits. (Basically, spreading each little dollop of pooh as far as possible). Feel the weight of a thousand eyes burning into my back from all the grannies, mannies and unemployed having coffee in Costa, right behind me. Realise pooh bag is buried underneath now sleeping child's feet. Go into newsagent, explain predicament, ignore smirks, walk out, and scoop up 7 or 8 dollops of incredibly stinky shit. Hate dog, promise self I will never get another one.

Get home, jump buggy with two sleepin children into house, wake them both up, both start yelling.

And then, my friend calls and asks, "having a good day?" and I wanted to yell "NO I AM BLOODY NOT"

So, there we go. Motherhood, sometimes even the simplest tasks can overcome you.

For those without children who want to know what it may be like, try playing a tape of someone screaming at full volume, whilst stabbing yourself in the heart (which is what it feels like when you ignore a screaming child), and then change a bed / water the flowers / cook a stew/ or do any other simple task.

Then, please post a comment and let me know how it went.